Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Down in the Dumps.....

So, Jordyn and I got the opportunity to go visit William and his Dad in St Louis this weekend.  It was a great time but I am so mentally and physically exhausted.  I'm really struggling lately and I think that's why I haven't blogged in a while.  I really wanted this to be a place of positivity and really be upbeat.  REALITY CHECK....Being a transplant family is NOT fun all the time.  I know this is all for a reason. I know this is for a shot at having a "normal" life again. I know that I should be the one who is strong and patient.  But guess what?!!? I am completely derailed by this whole situation.  My back of course comlicates things, the long drives get really hard on my back.  I need a whole day to recover after getting home.  This not only cuts our visits short but also affects the quality of our time spent together.  I wish I had more time to be a mom. I wish I had more time to clean my house.  I wish that I had time to fundraise(donations have completely stopped). I wish I knew someone with a teleporter!!!!!!

I miss my husband!!! More than words can express I wish that we didn't have to be separated during this whole time.  I know that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger but sometimes I feel like this is killing me. I hate to be so negative but maybe this outlet will allow me to start opening up to my friends and family again.  I feel like I have to maintain this facade but it really has isolated me from everyone.  I put a smile on my face all day, I maintain this strong courageous exterior...yet I cry myself to sleep every night.  Maybe it's time to let you all know that I'm struggling. Maybe it's time to reach out and ask for help.  I feel so guilty being sad...this opportunity gives us hope and life, but right now I feel a little hopeless.  Even my faith has been challenged.  Where do I go now?

I want to take a moment and thank those people who have kept me going throughtout all of this...First and foremost, my father in law, Bill, who sits vigil day in and day out keeping my love safe. My parents who not only keep Jordyn when I work but who also co-parent with me, feed me and mentally sustain me.  My mother especially who not only keeps up with my five year old but loves me day in and day out, no matter how stressed or angry I get.  My best friend Kelly Bailey (aka Moochie) who answers my crazy phone calls as well as organized a very sucessful fundraiser at her school.  Nikki Riddle who in her own greif has been such a huge support to me and my whole family, such grace and unquestionable love(Spencer is so proud of you).  Kelley Branham, here in Memphis, that although I've been distant you have kept up with me and loved me unconditionally.  My CF wives who although I haven't posted lately are always there when I need you.  I cannot forget William who braves this battle and seperation with me. He puts up with the exhausting treatments and pokes and prods, the pulmonary rehab and endless phone calls from me(I love you baby!) And so many more people that I didn't mention, it doesn't mean that I don't love and appreciate you it's that my brain is fried!!

Thank you all for letting me vent I feel so much better.

Lesson of the day: It's not all sunshine and puppy dogs and sometimes that's okay!