Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Down in the Dumps.....

So, Jordyn and I got the opportunity to go visit William and his Dad in St Louis this weekend.  It was a great time but I am so mentally and physically exhausted.  I'm really struggling lately and I think that's why I haven't blogged in a while.  I really wanted this to be a place of positivity and really be upbeat.  REALITY CHECK....Being a transplant family is NOT fun all the time.  I know this is all for a reason. I know this is for a shot at having a "normal" life again. I know that I should be the one who is strong and patient.  But guess what?!!? I am completely derailed by this whole situation.  My back of course comlicates things, the long drives get really hard on my back.  I need a whole day to recover after getting home.  This not only cuts our visits short but also affects the quality of our time spent together.  I wish I had more time to be a mom. I wish I had more time to clean my house.  I wish that I had time to fundraise(donations have completely stopped). I wish I knew someone with a teleporter!!!!!!

I miss my husband!!! More than words can express I wish that we didn't have to be separated during this whole time.  I know that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger but sometimes I feel like this is killing me. I hate to be so negative but maybe this outlet will allow me to start opening up to my friends and family again.  I feel like I have to maintain this facade but it really has isolated me from everyone.  I put a smile on my face all day, I maintain this strong courageous exterior...yet I cry myself to sleep every night.  Maybe it's time to let you all know that I'm struggling. Maybe it's time to reach out and ask for help.  I feel so guilty being sad...this opportunity gives us hope and life, but right now I feel a little hopeless.  Even my faith has been challenged.  Where do I go now?

I want to take a moment and thank those people who have kept me going throughtout all of this...First and foremost, my father in law, Bill, who sits vigil day in and day out keeping my love safe. My parents who not only keep Jordyn when I work but who also co-parent with me, feed me and mentally sustain me.  My mother especially who not only keeps up with my five year old but loves me day in and day out, no matter how stressed or angry I get.  My best friend Kelly Bailey (aka Moochie) who answers my crazy phone calls as well as organized a very sucessful fundraiser at her school.  Nikki Riddle who in her own greif has been such a huge support to me and my whole family, such grace and unquestionable love(Spencer is so proud of you).  Kelley Branham, here in Memphis, that although I've been distant you have kept up with me and loved me unconditionally.  My CF wives who although I haven't posted lately are always there when I need you.  I cannot forget William who braves this battle and seperation with me. He puts up with the exhausting treatments and pokes and prods, the pulmonary rehab and endless phone calls from me(I love you baby!) And so many more people that I didn't mention, it doesn't mean that I don't love and appreciate you it's that my brain is fried!!

Thank you all for letting me vent I feel so much better.

Lesson of the day: It's not all sunshine and puppy dogs and sometimes that's okay!


  1. CF wives rock. I could not imagine what you are going through. I'm sure the range of emotions changes frequently. The one thing as moms we don't get is a break from being a mom when times get tough. Use the joy of your child to give you strngth. I know traveling with back problems is no walk in the park. I hate the time it takes to recover from long drives. Is there anything we can do to spark the fundraiser drive again?

  2. Agreed 100%, CF wives DO rock!!!
    I keep typing and deleting because your post has taken me back to 2 years ago when Jim was waiting for his tx. Your situation is magnetized because you aren't together and you have a child but wow, I can so relate to how you are feeling. I would come home from work, get comfortable and curl up like a ball with my mom's homemade afghan and sleep until I woke up then put my pi's on and went back to bed. I slept because it was the only way that I didn't have to think about how everything stinks, to put it mildly, unless I dreamt about it and then there was no getting away. People would call and I'd act like I had it together, we were holding on and we were fine. Well, that was a load of bull! I'm sure that your post has taken some stress off of your shoulders. Remember, you can't be Superwoman. Do what you can and decide what must get done. If it's something that someone can help you with, take them up on it. Easy for me to say, I'd never ask for help and people would get mad at me. Please call or text any time. I had no one around to talk to when we were going through the waiting period and only wish that I had someone that understood how I HONESTLY felt. Hang in there girl. Wish I could be with you physically but I am always a text for a phone call away at ANY time. Love you girl. You got this!

  3. Rhonda and Denise thank you for your continued support. Share the webpage with everyone you know. I'm working in putting together a 5k virtual race but my back has sort of limited my involvement there. The easiest website is www.COTAforWilliamJD.com. I have so much to be thankful for that I feel guilty even posting this but I needed to let people know that I am having a tough time. Like I said it's not sunshine and puppy dogs! Love you girls! Denise I have you on speed dial so if you get a frantic phone call in the middle of the night be aware! I am so broken tonight. Time for some healing! Just had a great conversation with William and while I'm sure his ears hurt I'm so thankful to be married to such am amazing man, and I'm sure you two can relate.